Thanksgiving

If you asked me to be completely honest, I would say that this first year and a half of "real life" has been hard and difficult. Fortunately our brains are smart and looking back on the past year I remember good things, happy moments, and how I've overcome some of the difficulties of life.

This past year has left me with so much to be thankful for.

Good friends, both old and new. They all play a huge roll in my life. I'm so thankful for them, their visits, their encouragement, love, challenges, mail, phone calls (even though I rarely answer!), and their inclusion of activities no matter where they take place.

My family. Their encouragement to follow dreams, support in my decisions, amusement in so many of my actions, faith that i can imitate. So much to be thankful for.

My job. As often as I complain about leaving the house late at night, the crazy hours I end up working, etc. I have great coworkers that have taught me a lot and supported me when families scream, I do something wrong, or I just need to vent. I also am enjoying the oncology unit. As difficult as oncology can be, I'm learning a lot about life, death, and grief.

How thankful I am to have so much to give thanks for.

As we enter into this month of advent, I'm glad that my heart has been reminded of all that God has done. The candle that we lit today was the candle of hope; what a fitting ending to the Thanksgiving weekend.

Old Friends

It has been fun to make new friends, explore new places, and make new memories. Sometimes though it is nice to meet up with old friends, remember old times and catch up on life.

I got that opportunity this weekend when I met up with a friend from sendai! It was fun to talk about a time that was so influential in my life and realize that those years were special to others as well, that it was real, and that our friendship still is something i appreciate!

Although it has been years, many moves, college graduations, and a wedding since we've seen each other, it amazes me how quickly you can fall into step and feel comfortable napping on the couch, making jokes, and acting like we've known each other forever...oh wait...

It was so nice to catch up and make new memories. Plus, who can ever turn down an apple orchard?? Definitely not me!

Yay for old friends and new memories!

Medical Speak

Roommates are an important part of my life. They accompany me through the ups and downs of the job, they travel with me, introduce me to new things, teach me how to eat lobster, take me to new states, join me on the sofa, share wine with me, split rent, they laugh with me, they rub my back when i cry.... roommates also correct you. I am so thankful for my roommates and their correction of my "medical speak"!

As a nurse you get used to discussing aspects of life that are taboo outside of the hospital. Bowel movements, blood, guts, urine, everything is fair game at the hospital. Most of the time you are discussing patients, but it often becomes personal and you will discuss menstrual cycles, bowel movements, whatever else with your coworkers. I am lucky to have roommates that remind me that wrapping dead bodies is not dinner conversation for all people, or that you do not have to be descriptive when you use the restroom. "excuse me for a moment" is more than enough to the average person!

While my roommates appreciate my stories and ask for more details, they are also quick to let me know that not everyone cares about blood draws or trach decannulations.

As I struggle with how to make appropriate small talk, i wonder many things:

why wasn't there a small talk class in college? (was that what sorority recruitment was for?!) do other professions run into this problem as well? Do lawyers, teachers, business people have "inappropriate" topics to stray away from in their conversations? Where is the common ground? How do we find topics that we can talk knowledgeably about without making our friends want to vomit? (is it too graphic to say vomit?)

the joys of nursing never cease to amaze me... who knew i would be contemplating how to make "i need to pee" into appropriate, adult language!

Labor Day

What better way to celebrate 1 year in cambridge then a roommate trip?? Laura and I headed out to Chicago for the weekend and had an incredible time.

Laura had never been to the midwest and boy did we show her what the midwest is all about!

Saturday we spent in NW Indiana on a farm with corn, a lake with huge rafts, and even some naturally growing marijuana! It was fun to be reunited with Valpo friends as we celebrated a birthday and caught up on life. The night ended with a massive "Ghosts in the Graveyard" game that was very intense, and very unexpected!

Sunday we headed to Valpo and spent the afternoon and evening enjoying campus and friends. It was fun to see how much has changed, and how other things will never change! Laura was also able to come to a Candlelight service which definitely was one of the highlights of being back in Valpo.

Monday we were in chicago all day doing a lot of the tourist things. Many of these things I hadn't done since childhood so that was really fun to see new parts of chicago. The Art Institute is incredible, and the architecture tour was fascinating (as well as a fun way to see chicago from a new angle)

We flew out early tuesday morning with Laura having seen so many different aspects of the midwest that i love!

Now that i'm back in cambridge, i feel i can finally regroup and get into a routine after a crazy summer of traveling. I still have one wedding left in St Louis this month to go to, but am excited to end this years travel schedule with a fabulous wedding and tons of friends!

Another Wedding!

I was able to head back to Chicago-land and celebrate with Jill and James on their big day!!

it was so special to be part of the wedding party and to see Kappas from the class ahead of me! the reception was at the Blue Chip Casino and I was able to throw some money into the slots which was definitely a source of entertainment!

The wedding was gorgeous, the reception was fun, seeing extra friends (thanks Seth and Jen for driving up and Steph and Erin for hosting me!!) was wonderful... overall the weekend was fabulous!

I'm already looking forward to my next visit to Chicago/Valpo. and cannot believe i'll be bringing Laura with me!!

Family Vacation

As the three of us have gotten older, it has become less and less often that "vacation" actually has involved us all leaving the house together. Throughout college vacation symbolized returning home. Not this year! We were so fortunate to be able to get all 5 of us down to Myrtle Beach for some relaxing family fun! What a blast it was! I'm still recovering (read my shoulders are peeling) but it was well worth the pain to see the family!

Family Vacations have always been one of my favorite things we do- from christmas dinner on the curb in Guam, to Bali and the eager salesmen, to Banff and lots of laughing, to cross country road trips in a minivan with The Singing Bible! Our vacations are never dull and certainly bring us closer together!! this latest one proved to be no different and i'm already excited about the next time the Killmer's can be together again!!

Finally Summer

So June was rainy here in Boston. The "official" number I heard was 4 sunny days... that means 26 of clouds and rain.... wow!

But then July rolled around. Friends came from the midwest to celebrate the 4th in the place where it all started and they brought the sun with them!! We toured Boston and even went on a harbor boat cruise during sunset on the 4th and got to see fireworks from there! An incredible weekend full of fun, catching up, and even a flat tire!

Then I got the awesome opportunity to get a tour of Maine from Bowdoin College alum (and my roommates!) It was great to finally see the places I've heard so much about this past year and to finally get to the beautiful state of Maine. Truly "vacationland" as their license plates say! 

(pictures from the weekend: trip to LL Bean Mothership Store, Lobster eating on an island!, swimming in freezing water, being at Lands End!)

A new year, continued belief

As I begin a new year of life- yay 23!- I read something on a blog that I wanted to share:

"Believing isn't rooted in your personal power or inner strength. Believing is about waking up every morning and taking up your cross daily. It's about knowing and understanding that no matter how trashy things may look, Yahweh has a plan that He's working for good through His children. Believing must be a daily choice and a way of life. 

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, was God's spokesperson during a rotten time in Israel. The nation faced exile, death, destruction affliction, torment, separation from God... not a pleasant list. Jerusalem was sacked and burned on August 14, 586BC with Jeremiah most likely nearby watching the flame. 

Yet, reflecting on all of this in Lamentations 3:22, Jeremiah records this amazing idea "Because of the Lord's faithful love, we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! I say: the Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him."

Definitely a good verse to memorize as I get ready for another year of adventure and unknowns!

Summer??

Summer has officially begun. In Boston that means using an umbrella regularly, it has been fun enjoying warmer days and visitors!

The days are still bizarre as i sleep when most people work and work when you should be sleeping... and then the days that i try and stay awake are just crazy. These sleepless days are highly enjoyable as everything seems a little funnier when you're not completely alert! Last friday was such a day.

After finishing a 12 hour shift, I left the hospital and went to pick up Ellen's mother in law. yes, I was entertaining my friend's mother-in-law! I enjoyed getting to know this awesome South African woman and had really good conversation about education, health care, and soccer. 

The two of us headed downtown for a haircut. we rushed back to cambridge in order for me to get a couple hours sleep before I needed to be at the airport to pick up Megan! Megan flew in from Indianapolis a few days before her conference started so she could see this awesome city i live in! Friday night however, we briefly saw the inside of a restaurant before heading home so i could get to work on time. It was definitely a busy 36hrs!

My time with Megan was wonderful as we got to explore Boston and Cambridge with Carrie's dad, who was also in town for a visit. We did some things that I had previously done, but also tried out some new things and enjoyed simply being in Boston. Staying in a hotel in your own city is also an incredible luxury and I enjoyed staying with Megan in her hotel room one night!

Megan and I enjoyed a Harbor Cruise- with a great view of Boston!

Then i worked a 40 hour week while anticipating Steph's arrival on Friday. 

Unfortunately, Steph couldn't get to Boston from Chicago until Saturday afternoon due to weather. When she was here we had a great time celebrating my impending birthday with some other friends at a BBQ and catching up on life! Our time together was WAY too short, but I feel lucky to have had any time with her at all.

Summer with a full time job doesn't hold the same excitement as summers away from school. But, I'm so thankful to have visitors to get excited about and a job that allows me to enjoy the sunshine, if it ever decides to come out!

Here are some pictures from Summer 2009!:

Me and Andrew (before he headed to NC for the summer) after seeing Spring Awakening in Boston

at Hope Fellowship's Passport to the Nations Night (I joined the Japanese!)

My roommates and I enjoyed a Red Sox/Yankees Game at Fenway!! not too shabby for the my first game!

my "patient" (Laura had just had a wisdom tooth removed that morning!) and I before the game!!

we were prepared for freezing temps and a rainy 9 innings!

waiting...

God has been teaching me about being patient and waiting. I've been learning a lot on patience, but waiting sure is difficult.

I waited for direction with what job to take, and took the one job offer I got here in Boston because it was clearly God's leading, even if it wasn't what I was expecting to go into. Adult Oncology has been very difficult, challenging, and has provided great opportunities to learn. Now Youville has been bought out. (news article is here) Spaulding Rehab is one of the top 7 rehab facilities in the country and is joined with Partners Continuing Health, which encompasses some of the major Boston hospitals! I feel so fortunate to have no concern about job security, and now have many new opportunities presenting themselves as the buy out finalizes. 

what an awesome reminder of how good God is! I need to remember that in God's timing, everything works out to his glory. Maybe that's actually what God has been teaching me about all along

Strong Enough?

I wasn't sure what my first nursing job was going to be... I was hoping I might work in the ER, or somewhere else full of energy, I thought I would at least be saving lives, and helping people while they were getting better. I hoped that the job would challenge me, but not be too difficult. I hoped that the shift wouldn't be hard to get used to. I hoped many things.

God had other plans. 

I'm working night shift on an adult oncology unit. This means that my patients all have some form of cancer and while they may be getting stronger, they have all had their lives drastically changed by the disease. The learning curve has been interesting and challenging and I have gotten to be on the cutting edge of medicine (we will be the only hospital to give Temodar (a chemo med) intravenously as of Monday!), but the job is not the life saving euphoria I was hoping for after school. 

Instead of healing patients, I am holding patient's hands as they face death. Last night I prayed with a patient almost the entire night as she asked God to see her daughter one more time, I have written goodbye letters to family members dictated by patients, I have read Bible passages as patients fall asleep because they are afraid of falling asleep. I get to prepare bodies for the morgue, and I get to be with the families while they say goodbye.

I'm so glad I get to share in these moments, but these are not the things you have prepared for, these are not the circumstances that I expected to face.

I'm not sure how to deal with it all; many of my experiences go unprocessed, often because I know that I don't know how to process it. I thank God that I get to see this part of life and that He brought me to a place that would allow me to pray with patients, read the Bible out loud, and share in spiritual discussions with my patients, but I get worried when I start to think of my job as just a job and forget that there is more than politics, sore legs, and angry people that make the job worthwhile. I pray that I would be strong enough to be where God has called me.

Things that make you Smile

A lot of things make me smile. I smile when I get mail, drink chai, go to work, leave work, meet a friend, get a phone call :)

but sometimes I smile extra big... these smiles are reserved for the unexpected things in life. Today, as I was walking down my street a man riding his bicycle passed me. This is usually a normal part of life in a city.... but this man was riding a 7 foot tall bike with a HUGE disco ball extending up from his handle bars and a loud boom box playing! He was dressed normally (not as a clown or anything) and I have let myself believe that he was just enjoying riding his bike! My grin was huge as I turned into the apartments and wondered about this man. I hope he enjoyed his ride as much as I did! :D

Feels Like Home...

Dad, me, and Mom at Kinkokuji

Court, me and Mom at Kinosaki (Hot Springs Village)

me and Court at Amanohashidate

the infamous hawk (yes, my heart still races when i see this)

I was finally able to return to Japan after moving away 7 years ago! What a rush of emotions it was to be back. Japan has always felt like "home" to me, but I wasn't sure if it would still be familiar... 

On my flight from O'Hare to Narita (a flight i have taken many times!) I truly felt as though I was heading home. I guess I like back in a place where I can't understand everything, where I can impress people by being myself (a caucasian!) and where everything is new and adventurous. 

It was so incredible to be able to share this trip with Courtney- her laughter will always be remembered in my memories of these 10 days! (even if it was usually directed towards me...)

Highlights from the trip include: being dive-bombed by a hawk, going to 5 hot springs in one night while also walking through a quaint Japanese village in yukatas and geta, talking in Japlish, seeing old teachers and their families, eating so much food!, seeing mom and dad

It definitely was great to be home, and difficult to come back to reality. I'm already anxiously awaiting my next trip to the land of the rising sun

Crazy Times!

I was starting to have a regular routine, night shift was beginning to not feel so completely weird, I was meeting with friends, going to bible study, enjoying "regular life"... then March started... what a month this has already been!!

The month started off with a Valpo visitor! It was so great to catch up with Tyler, as well as show off my new town.

 

Me and Tyler in Fenway

The roommates (Laura and Carrie) with Tyler at 10 Tables

It was an exhausting weekend as we did everything we could in the city! It was gr

eat as we did a lot of things that I already knew, but we also tried some new things including going to the top of the prudential building, Ten Tables (a new restaurant in Harvard Sq), and walking around Fenway! Showing off Boston made me really excited for warmer months and some of the activities that will be available once winter is over! (yay Red Sox/Yankees in June!)

Tyler left, I worked 4 days, then I headed to INDIANAPOLIS!

My sorority sister, and good friend

 Jen was getting married! It was awesome to be able to celebrate with her on such an exciting day. it was really fun to be back in the midwest, with a bunch of Kappas and other Valpo friends! 

me and Katie with the programs                             Kappas at the wedding!!

  

me and my big! Sunshine love!

Wedding!

the beautiful bride!

Final Exam

Going into health care we dream about saving lives, but we never count on how much death becomes a part of our work.

While struggling with the reality of suffering, death, and nursing, I've realized that so much of nursing is based on caring. It becomes so easy to get wrapped up in all the medical care you are supposed to give and make sure your patients receive, however what is the most needed is someone to listen, to squeeze their hand, to rub their back, to tuck them in. I'm still struggling with the fact that working on an adult oncology unit means that I am not healing people. I'm helping them fulfill their hopes and dreams (sometimes this means getting stronger, heading home, and sometimes this means dying pain free with loved ones nearby)

My roommate recommended to me a book by Pauline Chen, a physician and writer (you can read her weekly articles in the NY Times), entitled Final Exam. I was so excited to read this book as the description seemed to touch on exactly what I was trying hard to understand and articulate. I just finished the book this morning and feel a sense of relief in realizing that other people struggle with these same issues and that there are lessons to be learned, and the hope of becoming a great nurse and a caring person is an achievable goal even when the prognosis of the disease is not good. 

I was touched by these words in her final chapter: A friend once said to me "We are in the business of suffering". Most of us are drawn to medicine because we want to ease that suffering, but we forget over time that it encompasses more than just diseases and their symptoms. 

What is more significant for our patients, particularly those at the end of life, is the suffering which results from a loss of meaning and purpose. This suffering is profound, but it is NOT hopeless. We physicians can address it by being present for our patients, by giving weight to their experience, and by becoming the kind of doctors we have always wanted to be. 

Struggling

These past few weeks I have been frustrated and confused with myself. 

My body is always tired, I'm never awake when others are, and I just feel a little "off" on this whole real life thing... taxes, bills, asking for vacation days... not quite as straight forward as you would hope!

I've opened up in more detail about my fears/anxiety/concerns with some friends and their responses have been incredible. Loneliness is sure hard to keep feeling when you have friends like mine! I thank God for this reminder of his love.

I have been learning about the necessity of sharing life with others. I hate telling people that Boston isn't going absolutely fantastically, but when I admit to my real emotions I have seen that that is when God is able to use me the most, and that is when he is most glorified- in my weakness. (Which I guess is why Paul writes that!!) 

I'm just starting a study of 1st and 2nd Thessalonians with a new friend and have been learning about our need to turn, serve and wait on the Lord. It is the perfect study for this time in my life as I need to be reminded about how to live waiting for Christ's return! (I'm obsessed with 1:3 and the way work, labor and endurance are discussed) 

Although its not from Thessalonians, I have been clinging to this verse from John lately:  

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

God has really been pounding it into me that I need to cling to him and keep trusting that his timing, and plans are perfect. Sounds easy enough, right?!

While this is a little daunting to post to the world, I wanted to be open about what is currently happening in my life, and give you a glimpse into the awesomeness of our Lord! 

I hope that you are also being challenged and stretched in your faith and that God gives you reminders of his faithfulness this week. 

Superbowl Sunday!

1 week as a full fledged nurse has passed. I did alright throughout the four nights I worked-moments of overwhelming feelings, uncertainty on procedures, and fear that I was doing something wrong were coupled with times of certainty in my actions, pride in what was accomplished, and love for all of our patients. What an amazingly emotional week! 

this weekend I got to celebrate my accomplishment! Drew and I got together yesterday and spent the day skiing! I signed up for Zip Car (its kind of like renting a car, but the cars are parked all over the city!) so I reserved my first car and headed into New Hampshire! We drove up to Jackson, NH and skied Wildcat Mt. in the national forest. it was BEAUTIFUL and although i felt the pain of having not skied in awhile- the day couldn't have been much better. Today I'm being lazy after church and anticipating a great night of football! GO STEELERS! 

January

working nights really throws off my perception of days, weeks, and time. I can't believe that we are already at Inauguration day!! 

I am in my last week of orientation! Some days I feel completely capable and other nights I feel way out of my league. I am thankful for my coworkers and know that I will be encouraged and assisted well after orientation is over. 

We have had some incredible days out here in Boston. Lots of snow and cold days have made it feel like winter! Slipping and sliding along the streets has been fun and I have been enjoying my time in the city. In the snow, I've gotten to explore the Museum of Science, walk along the esplanade, and enjoy the beauty of Boston.

We had an amazing MLK day up here at King's alma mater, BU, yesterday! Paul Farmer of Partners in Health was the keynote speaker and did a good job reminding us of what MLK was about while making ties to president-elect Obama. I'm thankful that I could be there on the eve of such a big day in American history!

As changes take place in DC and the United States, I'll be taking on my new role as a nurse without a preceptor! I'm also figuring out how to work night shift and keep getting my groceries, and making friends during "normal hours". I'm glad the weeks are going by quickly, but I'm also hoping that they slow down a little bit and that I can enjoy each day and take the opportunities that present themselves!

2009

wow. 2009. we made it! i cannot believe how quickly 2008 went and how much has happened since 1/1/08! 

I also can't believe that i have been working for a month already! Today was my last day on the day shift, i switch to my real shift, nights, on sunday! i'm interested to see how working nights goes but am looking forward to being another step closer to being on my own. It's been good to learn all the different aspects of hospital care

It has been interesting to work through the holiday season. I was able to work both Christmas eve and Christmas day. Being in the hospital made it feel a lot less 'holiday-ish' but it was also neat to be able to share some love with those that were not where they wanted to be to celebrate the holiday. it also made flying home Christmas night much more exciting!

the New Year started with old and new friends getting together to celebrate plus working a shift on New Years day! 

Looking back at the past year I'm amazed by what God has done, and I'm so excited to see what he will do! 2009 is sure to be a year of new experiences, unexpected events, and opportunities to see God at work. Can't wait!