Final Exam

Going into health care we dream about saving lives, but we never count on how much death becomes a part of our work.

While struggling with the reality of suffering, death, and nursing, I've realized that so much of nursing is based on caring. It becomes so easy to get wrapped up in all the medical care you are supposed to give and make sure your patients receive, however what is the most needed is someone to listen, to squeeze their hand, to rub their back, to tuck them in. I'm still struggling with the fact that working on an adult oncology unit means that I am not healing people. I'm helping them fulfill their hopes and dreams (sometimes this means getting stronger, heading home, and sometimes this means dying pain free with loved ones nearby)

My roommate recommended to me a book by Pauline Chen, a physician and writer (you can read her weekly articles in the NY Times), entitled Final Exam. I was so excited to read this book as the description seemed to touch on exactly what I was trying hard to understand and articulate. I just finished the book this morning and feel a sense of relief in realizing that other people struggle with these same issues and that there are lessons to be learned, and the hope of becoming a great nurse and a caring person is an achievable goal even when the prognosis of the disease is not good. 

I was touched by these words in her final chapter: A friend once said to me "We are in the business of suffering". Most of us are drawn to medicine because we want to ease that suffering, but we forget over time that it encompasses more than just diseases and their symptoms. 

What is more significant for our patients, particularly those at the end of life, is the suffering which results from a loss of meaning and purpose. This suffering is profound, but it is NOT hopeless. We physicians can address it by being present for our patients, by giving weight to their experience, and by becoming the kind of doctors we have always wanted to be. 

Struggling

These past few weeks I have been frustrated and confused with myself. 

My body is always tired, I'm never awake when others are, and I just feel a little "off" on this whole real life thing... taxes, bills, asking for vacation days... not quite as straight forward as you would hope!

I've opened up in more detail about my fears/anxiety/concerns with some friends and their responses have been incredible. Loneliness is sure hard to keep feeling when you have friends like mine! I thank God for this reminder of his love.

I have been learning about the necessity of sharing life with others. I hate telling people that Boston isn't going absolutely fantastically, but when I admit to my real emotions I have seen that that is when God is able to use me the most, and that is when he is most glorified- in my weakness. (Which I guess is why Paul writes that!!) 

I'm just starting a study of 1st and 2nd Thessalonians with a new friend and have been learning about our need to turn, serve and wait on the Lord. It is the perfect study for this time in my life as I need to be reminded about how to live waiting for Christ's return! (I'm obsessed with 1:3 and the way work, labor and endurance are discussed) 

Although its not from Thessalonians, I have been clinging to this verse from John lately:  

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

God has really been pounding it into me that I need to cling to him and keep trusting that his timing, and plans are perfect. Sounds easy enough, right?!

While this is a little daunting to post to the world, I wanted to be open about what is currently happening in my life, and give you a glimpse into the awesomeness of our Lord! 

I hope that you are also being challenged and stretched in your faith and that God gives you reminders of his faithfulness this week. 

Superbowl Sunday!

1 week as a full fledged nurse has passed. I did alright throughout the four nights I worked-moments of overwhelming feelings, uncertainty on procedures, and fear that I was doing something wrong were coupled with times of certainty in my actions, pride in what was accomplished, and love for all of our patients. What an amazingly emotional week! 

this weekend I got to celebrate my accomplishment! Drew and I got together yesterday and spent the day skiing! I signed up for Zip Car (its kind of like renting a car, but the cars are parked all over the city!) so I reserved my first car and headed into New Hampshire! We drove up to Jackson, NH and skied Wildcat Mt. in the national forest. it was BEAUTIFUL and although i felt the pain of having not skied in awhile- the day couldn't have been much better. Today I'm being lazy after church and anticipating a great night of football! GO STEELERS!