Strong Enough?

I wasn't sure what my first nursing job was going to be... I was hoping I might work in the ER, or somewhere else full of energy, I thought I would at least be saving lives, and helping people while they were getting better. I hoped that the job would challenge me, but not be too difficult. I hoped that the shift wouldn't be hard to get used to. I hoped many things.

God had other plans. 

I'm working night shift on an adult oncology unit. This means that my patients all have some form of cancer and while they may be getting stronger, they have all had their lives drastically changed by the disease. The learning curve has been interesting and challenging and I have gotten to be on the cutting edge of medicine (we will be the only hospital to give Temodar (a chemo med) intravenously as of Monday!), but the job is not the life saving euphoria I was hoping for after school. 

Instead of healing patients, I am holding patient's hands as they face death. Last night I prayed with a patient almost the entire night as she asked God to see her daughter one more time, I have written goodbye letters to family members dictated by patients, I have read Bible passages as patients fall asleep because they are afraid of falling asleep. I get to prepare bodies for the morgue, and I get to be with the families while they say goodbye.

I'm so glad I get to share in these moments, but these are not the things you have prepared for, these are not the circumstances that I expected to face.

I'm not sure how to deal with it all; many of my experiences go unprocessed, often because I know that I don't know how to process it. I thank God that I get to see this part of life and that He brought me to a place that would allow me to pray with patients, read the Bible out loud, and share in spiritual discussions with my patients, but I get worried when I start to think of my job as just a job and forget that there is more than politics, sore legs, and angry people that make the job worthwhile. I pray that I would be strong enough to be where God has called me.