Strong Enough?

I wasn't sure what my first nursing job was going to be... I was hoping I might work in the ER, or somewhere else full of energy, I thought I would at least be saving lives, and helping people while they were getting better. I hoped that the job would challenge me, but not be too difficult. I hoped that the shift wouldn't be hard to get used to. I hoped many things.

God had other plans. 

I'm working night shift on an adult oncology unit. This means that my patients all have some form of cancer and while they may be getting stronger, they have all had their lives drastically changed by the disease. The learning curve has been interesting and challenging and I have gotten to be on the cutting edge of medicine (we will be the only hospital to give Temodar (a chemo med) intravenously as of Monday!), but the job is not the life saving euphoria I was hoping for after school. 

Instead of healing patients, I am holding patient's hands as they face death. Last night I prayed with a patient almost the entire night as she asked God to see her daughter one more time, I have written goodbye letters to family members dictated by patients, I have read Bible passages as patients fall asleep because they are afraid of falling asleep. I get to prepare bodies for the morgue, and I get to be with the families while they say goodbye.

I'm so glad I get to share in these moments, but these are not the things you have prepared for, these are not the circumstances that I expected to face.

I'm not sure how to deal with it all; many of my experiences go unprocessed, often because I know that I don't know how to process it. I thank God that I get to see this part of life and that He brought me to a place that would allow me to pray with patients, read the Bible out loud, and share in spiritual discussions with my patients, but I get worried when I start to think of my job as just a job and forget that there is more than politics, sore legs, and angry people that make the job worthwhile. I pray that I would be strong enough to be where God has called me.

Things that make you Smile

A lot of things make me smile. I smile when I get mail, drink chai, go to work, leave work, meet a friend, get a phone call :)

but sometimes I smile extra big... these smiles are reserved for the unexpected things in life. Today, as I was walking down my street a man riding his bicycle passed me. This is usually a normal part of life in a city.... but this man was riding a 7 foot tall bike with a HUGE disco ball extending up from his handle bars and a loud boom box playing! He was dressed normally (not as a clown or anything) and I have let myself believe that he was just enjoying riding his bike! My grin was huge as I turned into the apartments and wondered about this man. I hope he enjoyed his ride as much as I did! :D

Feels Like Home...

Dad, me, and Mom at Kinkokuji

Court, me and Mom at Kinosaki (Hot Springs Village)

me and Court at Amanohashidate

the infamous hawk (yes, my heart still races when i see this)

I was finally able to return to Japan after moving away 7 years ago! What a rush of emotions it was to be back. Japan has always felt like "home" to me, but I wasn't sure if it would still be familiar... 

On my flight from O'Hare to Narita (a flight i have taken many times!) I truly felt as though I was heading home. I guess I like back in a place where I can't understand everything, where I can impress people by being myself (a caucasian!) and where everything is new and adventurous. 

It was so incredible to be able to share this trip with Courtney- her laughter will always be remembered in my memories of these 10 days! (even if it was usually directed towards me...)

Highlights from the trip include: being dive-bombed by a hawk, going to 5 hot springs in one night while also walking through a quaint Japanese village in yukatas and geta, talking in Japlish, seeing old teachers and their families, eating so much food!, seeing mom and dad

It definitely was great to be home, and difficult to come back to reality. I'm already anxiously awaiting my next trip to the land of the rising sun

Crazy Times!

I was starting to have a regular routine, night shift was beginning to not feel so completely weird, I was meeting with friends, going to bible study, enjoying "regular life"... then March started... what a month this has already been!!

The month started off with a Valpo visitor! It was so great to catch up with Tyler, as well as show off my new town.

 

Me and Tyler in Fenway

The roommates (Laura and Carrie) with Tyler at 10 Tables

It was an exhausting weekend as we did everything we could in the city! It was gr

eat as we did a lot of things that I already knew, but we also tried some new things including going to the top of the prudential building, Ten Tables (a new restaurant in Harvard Sq), and walking around Fenway! Showing off Boston made me really excited for warmer months and some of the activities that will be available once winter is over! (yay Red Sox/Yankees in June!)

Tyler left, I worked 4 days, then I headed to INDIANAPOLIS!

My sorority sister, and good friend

 Jen was getting married! It was awesome to be able to celebrate with her on such an exciting day. it was really fun to be back in the midwest, with a bunch of Kappas and other Valpo friends! 

me and Katie with the programs                             Kappas at the wedding!!

  

me and my big! Sunshine love!

Wedding!

the beautiful bride!

Final Exam

Going into health care we dream about saving lives, but we never count on how much death becomes a part of our work.

While struggling with the reality of suffering, death, and nursing, I've realized that so much of nursing is based on caring. It becomes so easy to get wrapped up in all the medical care you are supposed to give and make sure your patients receive, however what is the most needed is someone to listen, to squeeze their hand, to rub their back, to tuck them in. I'm still struggling with the fact that working on an adult oncology unit means that I am not healing people. I'm helping them fulfill their hopes and dreams (sometimes this means getting stronger, heading home, and sometimes this means dying pain free with loved ones nearby)

My roommate recommended to me a book by Pauline Chen, a physician and writer (you can read her weekly articles in the NY Times), entitled Final Exam. I was so excited to read this book as the description seemed to touch on exactly what I was trying hard to understand and articulate. I just finished the book this morning and feel a sense of relief in realizing that other people struggle with these same issues and that there are lessons to be learned, and the hope of becoming a great nurse and a caring person is an achievable goal even when the prognosis of the disease is not good. 

I was touched by these words in her final chapter: A friend once said to me "We are in the business of suffering". Most of us are drawn to medicine because we want to ease that suffering, but we forget over time that it encompasses more than just diseases and their symptoms. 

What is more significant for our patients, particularly those at the end of life, is the suffering which results from a loss of meaning and purpose. This suffering is profound, but it is NOT hopeless. We physicians can address it by being present for our patients, by giving weight to their experience, and by becoming the kind of doctors we have always wanted to be. 

Struggling

These past few weeks I have been frustrated and confused with myself. 

My body is always tired, I'm never awake when others are, and I just feel a little "off" on this whole real life thing... taxes, bills, asking for vacation days... not quite as straight forward as you would hope!

I've opened up in more detail about my fears/anxiety/concerns with some friends and their responses have been incredible. Loneliness is sure hard to keep feeling when you have friends like mine! I thank God for this reminder of his love.

I have been learning about the necessity of sharing life with others. I hate telling people that Boston isn't going absolutely fantastically, but when I admit to my real emotions I have seen that that is when God is able to use me the most, and that is when he is most glorified- in my weakness. (Which I guess is why Paul writes that!!) 

I'm just starting a study of 1st and 2nd Thessalonians with a new friend and have been learning about our need to turn, serve and wait on the Lord. It is the perfect study for this time in my life as I need to be reminded about how to live waiting for Christ's return! (I'm obsessed with 1:3 and the way work, labor and endurance are discussed) 

Although its not from Thessalonians, I have been clinging to this verse from John lately:  

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

God has really been pounding it into me that I need to cling to him and keep trusting that his timing, and plans are perfect. Sounds easy enough, right?!

While this is a little daunting to post to the world, I wanted to be open about what is currently happening in my life, and give you a glimpse into the awesomeness of our Lord! 

I hope that you are also being challenged and stretched in your faith and that God gives you reminders of his faithfulness this week. 

Superbowl Sunday!

1 week as a full fledged nurse has passed. I did alright throughout the four nights I worked-moments of overwhelming feelings, uncertainty on procedures, and fear that I was doing something wrong were coupled with times of certainty in my actions, pride in what was accomplished, and love for all of our patients. What an amazingly emotional week! 

this weekend I got to celebrate my accomplishment! Drew and I got together yesterday and spent the day skiing! I signed up for Zip Car (its kind of like renting a car, but the cars are parked all over the city!) so I reserved my first car and headed into New Hampshire! We drove up to Jackson, NH and skied Wildcat Mt. in the national forest. it was BEAUTIFUL and although i felt the pain of having not skied in awhile- the day couldn't have been much better. Today I'm being lazy after church and anticipating a great night of football! GO STEELERS!